Lady Lila

When I turned twenty I told myself that I was going to give up believing in fairytales.  I told myself that chick flick fantasies only happen in the movies and that it was time for me to grow up and be a big girl with a big girl life.  Let me tell you how that is working out for me....not so hot.  Shortly after my birthday I met my prince charming.  He doesn't know it yet of course, but I knew right away that he was my perfect guy.  Now, I have never ever put much stock in "feelings" and other forms of mysticism.  This, however, is making me rethink that.  It scares the hell out of me to be quite honest.  But I guess there really isn't much I can do about it because, no matter how many times I tell myself to get over it and get a life, my little gut feelings tell me that this is it.  And to be quite honest I cannot afford to pass up my chance at happiness.  Even if this isn't it I guess it can't hurt to try because if I didn't I would always wonder what would have happened if I had tried.  I was realized to do everything I had the opportunity to do just to avoid that feeling.  So I guess it's back to believing in white knights that swoop in to save the damsel in distress.  It seems so odd that I would choose to start believing in happily ever afters at this point in life, or maybe the problem is that I don't but I very desperately want to.  When I was a very young child I never dreamed of being a princess.  I read books and dressed up as a doctor (I never wanted to be a nurse).  I built things with legos and declared that I was going to be an architect.  Fast forward 10 or more years to the time when I realized that I had very little artistic ability and math was no longer my thing (I thank calculus for that).  Now I am lost and I have no idea what I want to do with my life.  Of course, when I was little, I knew who I was and I was happy with my family and I thought they were happy too.  Then I realized that this was all a lie and I started turning to the fairytales.  I am a professional at denial; I can invent an entire new life for myself and almost convince myself that it is true.  When my father rejected me I began to dream that he wasn't really my father and that I would someday meet the man who really was my dad and he would love me.  When I was lonely I added into that dream that I had a twin sister and neither of us knew about the other.  Now that I am twenty and still single, I dream of the perfect guy.  Sometimes I even go so far as to dream that this perfect guy has been betrothed to me since birth and he can't get out of it no matter how much he wants to.  All that because right now it looks like that would have to happen in order to get some guy to go out with me let alone marry me.
Thank God for fairytales.

Close your eyes

 

What if you were to die

not tomorrow or tonight,

but right now, out of the blue

without the tiniest hint of a warning.

 

Surrounded by the breathing forest

oaks and elms, pines and peeping deer

keep vigil for your crumpled body.

 

Picture it, close your eyes

see the darkness closing in on you

the world fading all to black

not the black of midnight with

its twinkling stars

but real black, the black of

a beetle’s shell, scurrying across

the fresh loam of a grave.

 

Your spirit flickers to a final burst of clarity

the world is real for the first and last time.

Slipping away; a puff of smoke signaling

the candle slowly bobbing amongst the icebergs.

Arctic waters consume the fire and your remains chill.

 

They won’t find you here.

Trees blend continuously and

soon you will fertilize them.  Wind

strips away your skin, revealing

what you were.  The most basic level

of the body left to melt away.

 

When its gone, look on the world

from wherever you are.

Tell me if they care, I don’t believe

you  were anything to them.  Ego

can only get you so far and you

left nothing to this world.  They

will forget you as soon as you pass. Written

off as a disappearance.

What are any of us to the world, that

we can be so reduced in a few lazy

spins.

 

So I was at home for the last month and I was never actually at home since I had sooo much to do! However, I put in some serious time in airports and on the way home I developed a little pattern for the hat in Twilight.  I have never written a pattern before, but this is what I came up with.

Bella’s Hat

Materials:

Caron Simply soft (uses about half a skein)

G hook

 

Side Notes:

I love the hat the first time I went to the movie and I wanted to make it. When I went to see it the second time I looked as close as I could and saw that there were 6 vertical bars and 3 horizontal. Unlike the one in the movie this one does not have a pointy top, mine worked out to have a flattish top instead and, while it isn’t quite like the one in the movie, I actually like it better J

 

Pattern:

 

Ch 3, sl st in first ch to join

 

Round 1: ch 3 (counts as first dc), 17 dc in ring, sl st in third chain to join (18 dc)

 

Round 2: ch 3, dc in same st, 2 fptc, *2 dc in next st, 2 fptc* five times, sl st to join (24 sts)

 

Round 3: ch 3, dc in same st, 2 dc in next st, 2 fptc, *2 dc in next 2 sts, 2 fptc* five times, sl st to join (36 sts)

 

Round 4: ch 3, dc in same st, dc in next 2 dcs, 2 dc in next dc, 2 fptc, *2 dc in next dc, dc in next 2 dcs, 2 dc in next dc, 2 fptc* five times, sl st to join (48 sts)

 

Round 5: ch 3, dc in same st, dc in next 4 dcs, 2 dc in next dc, 2 fptc, *2 dc in next dc, dc in next 4 dcs, 2 dc in next dc, 2 fptc* five times, sl st to join (60 sts)

 

Round 6: ch 3, dc in same st, dc in next 6 dcs, 2 dc in next dc, 2 fptc, *2 dc in next dc, dc in next 6 dcs, 2 dc in next dc, 2 fptc* five times, sl st to join (72 sts)

 

Round 7: ch 3, bpdc in next 9 sts, 2fpdc, *10 bpdc, 2fpdc* 5 times, sl st to join (72 sts)

 

Round 8-13: ch 3, dc in next 9 dc, 2 fptc, *10 dc, 2fptc* five times, sl st to join (72 sts)

 

Round 14: Repeat round 7 (edited Nov. 3)

 

Rounds 15-20: Repeat rounds 8-13

 

Round 21: Repeat round 7

 

Round 22: ch 1 sc 1 around

 

Bind off and weave in ends.

If you see any problems with it let me know, and feel free to drop a line or add me as a friend if you use it :)

"We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own, live within a fragile circle, easily and often breached.
Unable to accept its awful gaps, we still would live no other way.
We cherish memory as the only certain immortality,
never fully understanding the necessary plan."
 

Irving Townsend.

(our Horse Science Professor gave us this...I loved it so I thought I would share)

I get to go home tomorrow and I am not sure whether I am excited or not.  I miss the people there, but a big part of me wants to grab onto any solid object in my room and kick and scream begging them to let me stay.  I miss everyone from here when I go back "home".  It is rather weird I suppose that I miss them ore than I miss my family.  Then again, I guess this is the family I have chosen.  I am so excited to see my mommy, gramma, friends, and horse, but everything changes so much that I feel like a stranger when I go back.  Well, I guess it will be some sort of adventure no matter how it turns out.

Another negative, it's going to be freezing cold.  And dial-up internet for a month.  And no cable TV, just the basic 6 channels.  Yikes.

Apparently my inner knit/crochet ninja is emerging. I went to see Twilight today and, in addition to being distracted by the beauty that is Robert Pattinson, I was also distracted by my brain trying to figure out how all the knit/crochet wear was made. I have been on Ravelry boards discussing the patterns and I spent quite a bit of time on figuring out the flaws so I could improve on what is available. It’s sad really.

On a good note, Twilight is just as amazing the second go-round, maybe even better because you notice so much more!

On another aside, I just watched Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and Robert Pattinson is sooo much better as an Edward than as a Cedric. You can see him in Edward where Cedric is so not who he is. At least that’s what I felt. O! And I was upset that he is totally not listed on the actors till the very last group, and it isn’t like he played a tiny role, I mean, really now.

And that is pretty much all I’ve got for now…I get to go home in 3 days!!!

Last night I watched the election on TV...all the way through.  It was amazing.  On top of everything that is crazy and fabulous about the whole situation, there is one other factor.  One day our children will learn about this in their American history class and we will be able to remember what it felt like that day.
Obama spoke about the 106 year-old woman who voted today and all the things she had seen in her lifetime.  It made me think about mine.  I may be young still, but a lot has happened already.  Just yesterday we had elected the first ever African-American president (not to mention this is the first ever presidential election I go to vote in!).  A few years back, the Twin Towers and the Pentagon were attacked.  There were bombings in London.  Add in the current economy crash and Hurricane Katrina and I have a pretty well-rounded experience.  I know other things have happened too, but even just considering these, I begin to wonder what I will have lived through if I ever make it to 106.
My coach said a great thing once, he told us that luck comes to those who are good, and even when you start off with terrible luck, it will eventually turn around to help you.  Yesterday voters overcame their tendency toward apathy (though we still have a long way to go).  The record numbers made something revolutionary happen and I sincerely hope and believe that this is the point where our luck might begin to turn around.  It is long past time for change.

Tomorrow is Halloween, an Americanized holiday with no practical reasoning.  Like Valentine's Day, it is a highly commercialized holiday yet fewer people hate it.  There are those who oppose the celebration of Halloween because it is a Pagan holiday, but there are still not so many as there are people opposed to Valentine's Day.  Perhaps it is because there are no real expectations for Halloween: anyone can celebrate.  Valentine's Day is for those with significant others so I suppose it makes sense that it is less appealing to a larger crowd, namely singles.
Anyways, it is all irrelevant to me since I will be sitting on a bus for 10+ hours while everyone drinks away the night.  Not that I am complaining, I will be with some great people.  Though it is the first time I was ever planning on joining the rest of the female population my age in dressing as something slutty.  Oh well, there is always next year.
As another update, I have discovered that DPNs are totally addictive.  I am unable to put my new project down!  Knitting is, admittedly, waaaay slower than crochet, but it just looks so darn pretty!  Not to mention it is stretchier which suits my needs well right now.  I am currently working on http://www.knitty.com/ISSUEwinter02/PATTvoodoo.htmland have a little over an inch done; since I just started yesterday I count that as good progress...now if I could just figure out how to make a link....
Well, my hands are itching to get back to the project at hand so that is all for now :)

What better way to start a blog than with the changing of the seasons?  It is definitely fall now, the cold weather and beautiful leaves remind me of this every time I go out the door.  Admittedly it is usually more the cold that is doing the reminding since I am so bundled that it is hard to look around me in order to see the trees.  Of course, I also say I am beginning a new season of my life.  Ok, I know it's cliché, but hear me out.  I am finally doing this.  I am going to post an entry, the first one even, with no qualms or uneasy feelings. Maybe it isn't perfect, but neither am I.  Too long I have sat back and looked at what others have done and been afraid to try myself.  I secretly have all these delusions that I am going to be the author of an amazing blog that everyone in the world will flock to read.  I know it won't happen but I wish it would.  However, this wishing has held me back because I was afraid to start because I knew when I did my dreams would not be realized an I could no longer fantasize that I was going to be the rockstar of the blogging world.  But now the season has changed (still cliché, but whatever) and I am doing this for me, expectations be damned.  I am going to write this journal for my own sake, no other person needs to ever read it (if you are reading this I take that back and thank you ever so much).  So here it is: the imperfect first entry.  It isn't incredible and inspired but it's mine and it is me.  So there fantasies, I have overcome you and done it my way!

In other news, I got an amazing candle (shhh, don't tell my RD) and my first ever set of Double Pointed Needles.  So I am sitting here, in a room that smells like mulled cider, listening to the Mull of Kintyre, and knitting.  Hmmmm, yup, this is the life.